Attachment Styles: How They Form and How to Build Secure Attachment in Relationships

Healthy relationships are built on emotional safety, trust, and secure connection.

Our relationships are deeply influenced by how we connect, trust, and feel safe with others. These patterns often stem from our attachment style—a framework developed in early childhood that continues to shape how we experience closeness, intimacy, and emotional security throughout adulthood.

Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness and intentional work, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment.

What Are Attachment Styles In Relationships?

Attachment theory was originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. It explains how early caregiving relationships shape our emotional bonds and expectations of others.

There are four main attachment styles commonly discussed in adult relationships.

The Four Attachment Styles Explained

1. Secure Attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their partners, communicate openly, and handle conflict in a healthy way.

Common traits:

• Feels safe expressing emotions

• Trusts others without excessive fear

• Maintains healthy boundaries

• Comfortable with closeness and autonomy

  
  

2. Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness but fear abandonment. They may seek reassurance frequently and feel distressed when their partner is emotionally unavailable.

Common traits:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment

• High sensitivity to relationship changes

• People-pleasing tendencies

• Difficulty self-soothing

  
  

3. Avoidant Attachment

Those with an avoidant attachment style often value independence and may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They may withdraw when relationships become emotionally intense.

Common traits:

• Difficulty expressing emotions

• Discomfort with vulnerability

• Preference for emotional distance

• Minimizing relationship needs

  
  

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment

This style combines both anxious and avoidant traits. Individuals may want closeness but also fear it, often due to past trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

Common traits:

• Push-pull relationship patterns

• Fear of intimacy and abandonment

• Difficulty trusting others

• Emotional unpredictability

  
  

How Attachment Styles Are Formed

Attachment styles typically develop in early childhood, shaped by interactions with primary caregivers. Factors may include:

• Emotional availability of caregivers

• Consistency and responsiveness to needs

• Exposure to trauma, neglect, or unpredictability

• Early relational losses or instability

  
  

While these early experiences are influential, adult relationships, therapy, and self-reflection can reshape attachment patterns over time.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Yes — attachment styles are flexible, not permanent. Many people develop what is known as earned secure attachment through intentional growth and supportive relationships.

How to Build Secure Attachment in Your Relationships

1. Increase Self-Awareness

Identify your attachment style and notice patterns in how you respond to closeness, conflict, or emotional vulnerability.

Helpful resource:

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment

2. Practice Emotional Regulation

Learning to self-soothe and manage emotional reactions helps reduce attachment-driven anxiety or avoidance.

Helpful resource:

• https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344

3. Communicate Needs Clearly

Secure attachment is built on open, honest communication. Expressing needs directly (rather than through withdrawal or reassurance-seeking) strengthens trust.

4. Choose Emotionally Safe Relationships

Surrounding yourself with emotionally responsive and consistent people supports secure attachment growth.

Helpful resource:

• https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

5. Consider Therapy

Working with a therapist can help you unpack attachment wounds, process past experiences, and practice healthier relational behaviors in a safe space.

Helpful resource:

• https://www.attachmentproject.com/

How Therapy Can Help with Attachment Healing

Attachment-focused therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Gottman-based couples therapy can help individuals and couples:

• Improve emotional safety and trust

• Break unhealthy relationship cycles

• Strengthen communication and boundaries

• Develop secure attachment behaviors

  
  

Ready to Strengthen Your Relationships?

At Serenity Counseling Solutions, we help individuals and couples across Florida explore attachment styles, heal relational wounds, and build healthier, more secure connections.

Services Offered:

• Individual Therapy

• Couples & Relationship Counseling

• Attachment-Based & CBT Approaches

• Secure Telehealth Sessions Across Florida

• In person therapy in Plantation, Florida

  
  

📍 Telehealth services available statewide in Florida

📞 Phone: 305-518-1984

📧 Email: sarine@serenitycounselingsolutions.org

🌐 Website: www.serenitycounselingsolutions.org

👉 Reach out today to schedule a consultation and begin building more secure, fulfilling relationships.